How to Overcome Challenges in Relationships

Everyone faces challenges and problems in relationships. I see A LOT of people just say, "leave."

Of course, that is a choice. It's a choice to go through a break up. It's a choice to block family members out of lives. It's a choice to leave friends. There are a lot of nuances and gray area in MANY situations, as well. Sometimes, the timing of the relationship needs to be done. And sometimes, work can be done to repair a relationship.

What I don't see, are actual problem solving tools and ways to have conversations. Many people have not been taught or learned how to talk about conflict in a healthy way.

We are really good at falling in love and getting married, but most people don't know what needs to happen in a relationship in order to maintain closeness, intimacy, healthy boundaries, and more. It's work. Both parties need to be accountable for their past, their actions, their feelings, their inner work.

So, here you go!

A nice little cheat sheet:

Have many conversations with each other. Problems and challenges arise when parties aren't heard, and feel invalidated. Set a time ASIDE to actually come to a more formal meeting with each other. Prepare (see below).

For conversations, an outline is:

1) Each party gets to bring their problems/issues/challenges to the conversation. State the facts like this: "When _(event)_______ happens, I feel __________." This way, we don't end up attacking one another and people get defensive, which brings up feelings and yelling and not moving forward in any positive way.

2) What does everyone want? Ideal outcome/scenario for everyone involved

3) Action steps -- lay out what each party will do. If these steps are not taken, there need to be consequences. Otherwise, people will just go on with their behaviors over and over again, hence nothing changing.

If there has been building resentment, tearing each other down for YEARS, a relationship IS NOT going to be rebuilt in a day. Be realistic about committing to changing patterns that have been in place for a while. Remember, your mind has actual pathways that thoughts have been traveling on for a while 😂 If you desire new patterns, then you need to forge new paths. And IT TAKES TIME, IT TAKES GETTING IN THERE AND MESSING UP. It's not a perfect process. Our brains have to make mistakes sometimes in order to learn. It's just like when we were young and we learned to walk, or ride a bike. Or learning how to ski.... whatever!

More resources:

I HIGHLY recommend John Gottman's work. He got divorced multiple times and then started to research WHY this was happening to him. He's online, got books, etc. He talks a about many relationship dynamics. One of which being: trust is built in tiny moments.

I HIGHLY recommend Pia Mellody's work for codependency.